Oct 5, 2010

In love with in-laws

Many years into our marriage, our conversation around parents always went like this, "Your Mom said this and that" or "Your Dad did this not that" It was not very helpful in building relationships. Though I am good with people I couldn't take some of the conversations very well which only made matters worse. But few years ago, I consciously made an effort to build the bridge. Baggage claim and Garbage collections are results of that realization.

I credit my own sisters-in-law (girls who have married my brothers) for my change of heart. Both Vijaya and Viniba are such darlings. They are very cheerful, fun-loving with all of us and love our parents. They stay with us when we visit, cook for us, feed us, take us places, buy us things, talk to us, write to us, love our children, you name it.

I started with letters first.It sure helped. Though there would be no response I would write - not very frequently but every now and then with all the news of kids, school stuff, friends, their new babies etc. To tell you the truth in the last few years I have come from being neutral to slowly like and lately love my in-laws.

I would be the first to wish on festival times, instead of saying, "Yeah, it is Christmas for them too, let them call", Would call randomly to talk regular stuff. Above all I learnt to 'be still' meaning not rushing in to say something. It was not easy being still at first; it seemed like I'd lost or I was without words or that I was failing an argument by keeping quiet. What I didn't realize was that I was actually winning hearts. It all worked for the best and softened all hearts - including mine.

I had wonderful moment visiting them all this summer and I felt for the first time I'd missed out on a whole lot of fun over the years. I had made up my mind to make a difference by being who I really am, instead of sitting in a corner aloof and indifferent, licking my past wounds. I honestly wanted to bring fun and cheer back in the family just like my childhood family instead of complaining, "It's such a bore at your place, no one even smiles".

Right now as we "speak" my mother-in-law is in her death bed and I am truly hurt. I am at loss for words or actions. Nothing I can do now to bring her back to life hale and healthy as she used to be. Anything that once offended me all seem like it was not an issue anymore. I am truly sorry for all the missed opportunities to have spent quality time with her. She loved my letters it seems. May be I should have written more often, may be I should have visited often, stayed with her couple of more days... I am sorry I never told her I love her, did I at least show her I love her? Not too sure.

Too many things going on in my mind right now, mostly regrets. But then you know what? Years ago I wrote to her a big sorry letter and that is my only consolation. I hope and pray that her last moment be quick, that she doesn't suffer longer than she has.

I am truly blessed to have her as my Mother-in-love! She has given me the most wonderful gift - her own son! Nothing really matters in life folks, only life matters. Everything else we care for stays behind, only the life returns to eternity.

Tears...

Daughter-in-love,
~ Hephzibah Israel

19 comments:

Y L said...

in tears.

i wish for a miracle.

A said...

NRI,

Your open posts show your remarkably honest characters. Again a very nice but every emotional post.

Though you never told your mother in law that you love her, she knows that.

Your mother in law is in my prayer. I pray to God for her.

NRIGirl said...

Me too Amma!
~Queenma

NRIGirl said...

Thank you @A! Appreciate your prayers.

~ NRIGirl

SG said...

Your post shows you truly love your MIL. She knows that. I pray God for her speedy recovery.

Rehana Rodrigues said...

Hey Hepsie:
You really rock with your blogs. The last paragraph in this blog is so deep and full of good thought.
I Thank God that I met you at the airport; I am truly blessed to read your blogs. They are not only enjoyable but they speak of the Hepsie I have never known.
Thanks
rehana

NRIGirl said...

Hope so @SG! Thank you for your thoughts.

~ NRIGirl

NRIGirl said...

Hi Rehana: Thank you for your comments. Appreciate it much. Looking forward to see you soon...

Regards,
~ Hephzibah

Bikramjit said...

YEs so true Only LIFE matter rest of the things are not important ... I have always maintained and there is one principle i live by that Family - friends MATTER rest dont..

I really loved this post, shows you jsut like me :) good or bad I dont know

God bless your mother in law.. I will make sure to have her in my prayers ...

Please be strong and Take care of yourself ...

And I am sure she knows you love her, CLose your eyes and Tell her... She will know ...

Take Care

NRIGirl said...

Thank you @Bikramjit! Will keep you posted.

Samvedna said...

what a lovely post..touched my heart.When we love our parents or inlaws, we get the blessings of god, and those will always remain with you.

Stranger said...

I like this post. Though mine is little different. In our family, I am the one who never compares in laws. My partner always finds fault with my family, though I dont care now. I can boldly say my In-Laws find me more approachable than their offspring.

In my heart I am little selfish. I feel for my own parents little more though i never show and always my holidays are mostly spent with my in laws rather than with my own mother.

I feel guilty and ashamed thinking of my selfishness sometimes. I call my MIL most of the days now, since she is alone there.I wish I could have done more for my FIL but it is too late now.

Every one has flaws dear. So dont feel guilty. You did what you could. Wish I could take off all those self doubts from your heart. You are a wonderful person.

Take care...

ari said...

Dear Queen/Israel,
Saddening to hear the news of the demise of your dear mother-in-law/mother.
Death had been conquered only by our Lord, Jesus Christ.When my wife(amudha)and I lost our first son,we questioned God as to why He was putting us up with something for what we've not done wrong.Later we realized,that we being Christians have the hope of a 'Risen God' and we will meet our loved ones when he comes triumphantly on the clouds.
David when he lost his son said
"I will go to him,but he will not come to me"
(2 Samuel 12:28).Therefore with this hope we wait upon Him knowing that one day we shall meet our loved ones,The day of our Lord.
Sharing our sorrow in your moanings.
Kingsleys.

NRIGirl said...

Thank you for your kind words "Stranger" I feel better already...

NRIGirl said...

Dear Chithapa & Family! Truly appreciate your kind words. Thank you for the reminder of the divine hope!

Yesterday I was sad thinking how she will be all alone without any familiar faces, etc. As she was not very independent going around places here. Then a friend corrected me that in heaven there is no lacking and above all Jesus is there giving the FULLNESS of HIS love! Then I felt better.

Much love,
Queen & Israel

Reena said...

May the comfort of God help you during this difficult time.

dr.antony said...

Not on our merits,but on His grace.
Have good times ahead. Finding happiness with in the family is a gift.Out of His extreme kindness he will shower you blessings.

NRIGirl said...

Thank you @Doc & @Reena. Appreciate your comforting comments.

~NRIGirl

Edwin said...

I knew her personally, who is such a Godly mother, simple and woman of prayer - my heart broke. But, I thank God that He has given us a blessed and resurrected hope of meeting her one day in a heavenly places where there is no death, sorrows, pain, strives, agony, stress, etc - eternal joy.

May the peace of God be multiplied to all her family members, friends and loved ones.

With Sympathy
Edwin

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