Jun 30, 2010

Pecking hen no more...

It is all natural for people to have disagreement on any given topic. However constant pecking in a marriage leads to distruction. Little friction helps for better bonding, but overdoing it will spoil the fun of being together.

I wouldn't call myself a pecking hen, but I admit I have had my share at it. It would seem as simple as saying the truth. For example if I suggest something and my spouse doesn't opt for my suggestion, does something else and fails, I would comment, "I told you so". Over years similar innocent 'told you so"'s led me to think a little too high of myself.

I would go on to say, "You never listen" which is total blaming or something like "Girls are more matured than men" etc, which under estimates his decision making capacity and is absolutely unncessary.

In the recent past I realized it was a huge mistake to be pecking so frequently and testing his patience constantly. I decided to make an effort to avoid my boastings. I started treating his suggestions with an open mind - without any bias on his historical failed decisions. I made it a point to compliment his successful suggestions/decisions.

For example I would say, "Thank you for picking Toyota over Honda when we got the minivan" or something like, "Good thing you didn't let me buy it then, it was worth the wait as now they have it in Costco for much cheaper rate but much better quality". Or admitting my past historical mistakes too such as "I should have listened to you when we bought the flat screen TV, we should have gone with the earlier model which was less expensive & had all features we were looking for, I fell for the model..."

When new disagreements surface, I will suggest my opinion and then would add on, "I have full confidence in your decision, I know you have the best intentions in mind, go for it" giving him total control of the reign. Believe it or not, this liberates me as I am not frustrated if he decides to choose another route, and I am not nervous about the validity of my suggestion being the solution.

Over the years/months/weeks/days seeing me change for better, stirs a change in him too. Even on matters he normally wouldn't care to discuss, he asks for my opinion and sometimes - if not always - gives me the credit for something good that happens. I make sure my head doesn't get heavy from the compliment, and simply add, "It was you who finally decided, so the credit goes to you!" I can assure you this helps us bond stronger...

Your 'take away' I suggest is: Let go of the reign, Enjoy the freedom the free ride brings...

7 comments:

SG said...

Excellent post. Happens in every family. Some handle it well. Some don't. One of the things I found was we can say the same thing (words) but with a different voice modulation. You can say "I told you so" in 10 different voice modulation. Some will bring out anger. Most will not.

NRIGirl said...

SG! I agree with you on the voice modulation... it takes a wide spectrum to illustrate it...

~ NRIGirl

A said...

Good practical advice. Must read for all married people who want to stay married and yet happy :)

NRIGirl said...

Happy to hear from you A! This will now serve me as a reminder when my mind slips...

HemaPreetha said...

Yes, I Strongly agree with the Free Ride is always fetches you more..... than to be a Pecking HEN.... I Agree I Agreee.....

NRIGirl said...

Hi Hema! Nice to hear from you! Thank you for stopping by and encouraging me with those few words.

~ NRIGirl

subu said...

Happened to visit here. Nice post! need to control arises due to lack of security/confidence; Habit of 'letting go' comes much later when you are absolutely confident!

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