Jun 10, 2010

His Needs; Her Needs - A Vicious Cycle

As you would agree men and women are wired differently. There are a list of needs for men and women, and the list goes in an order. For men their primary need is respect whereas for women it is love.

When a couple come together in a marriage, both have mutual love and respect for each other. However, at the onset of their first major disagreement, one of the need is broken. Either the man gets the upper hand and does something nasty - not worthy of respect OR the woman gets the upper hand and does something worse - not worthy of love.

The wife now can not respect a man who does not love her, and the husband can not love a woman who does not respect him. This starts what I call as the "Catch 22 of Marriage" or in other words "A Vicious Cycle". When the primary need for "love" and "respect" is not met, none of the other needs in the list can be met by either of them and this starts a domino effect down the hill collapsing the peace & harmony of a marriage union in no time.

The Solution? Is for one of them to dare. Either to Love Dare or Respect Dare. What does it mean? To respect when he seems not worthy of respect, and to love when she seems not worthy of love. Of course it is not easy. Or it depends on how bad the disagreement was. This is exactly where the third string of the marriage comes into play. The Divine love. There is a conviction or a forgiving heart that moves on from the scene - that chooses to love the seemingly un-lovable or to respect the seemingly un-respectable.

When the other partner sees this, he loves her more or she respects him more in return, as by then she/he realizes what she/he did was wrong in the first place and sees the other person loving/respecting her/him inspite of that.

Now that the first need is met, the rest is to follow. That being said, I challenge us (including myself) to Dare!


SG said...

Excellent post. Very appropriate points. You had mentioned forgiving heart. I fully support that.

NRIGirl said...

Thank you SG! Very encouraging!

A said...

Very simple to realistic description of the key problem of marital life.

NRIGirl said...

Thanks A! Learnt it at a seminar few years ago. Plan to recall the lessons and post it in my own words, so that it can benefit others. Also, it will be a reminder to me.

~ NRIGirl

Renu said...

fabulous post! after a very long time I saw something which gave me something to understand and think about.....thanks!!!

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