Laying it down

I am crying. Not because of any matter big or small you would imagine; but because I lay it all down at the altar this morning.

Visiting friends over the weekend we attended Church with them this morning. The sermon was titled "Laying it all down" which went on to explain how Jesus Christ lay it all down for the human race, for me in particular!

The pastor sang a beautiful song I had never heard before, "He paid a debt He did not owe; I owed a debt I could not pay..." In the end of the sermon there was an altar call for 'laying it all down'. The Pastor asked, "He lay it all down for you! What are you willing to lie down today?" I chose to lie down my dreams and that's what I am crying about.

In my mind whatever dreams big or small, the ones that have been fulfilled, partly fulfilled and yet to be fulfilled, and even those that might never be fulfilled have all been lain down - to rest forever. This makes me weepy.

What are these dreams, anything big, you might wonder. It is my all - big and small. It even includes my long lasting dream to take a family picture in blue jeans and white shirts. One might find it silly as to why it has to be a dream and why not just get clicked. The fact of the matter is that a dream is just a dream until one acts on it and in our 13 years of home making we haven't acted on making this dream a reality. Whose fault is it? Why bother? All I can tell you is it remains unfulfilled.

Another one is my fancy for world travel. Israel, Australia, Thailand & Paris seem so close at times yet ever eluding. The big plans for visiting all fifty States as a family might never be fulfilled at the rate in which the kids are growing. It is not the funds that are limiting, though it is true at times; but the time in most cases and hence stays only a dream thus far.

My dream home in India is yet another that remains at large. Why would you spend so much money building a house in India while you live oceans apart is a valid question. But why not is my valid answer! Would it ever be fulfilled? Only time will tell.

Oh yes, my dream job at the Bronx Zoo (oops!) is still pending decisions, though I am hopeful.

But the fact that I have lain it all down at the altar this morning, makes me wonder if I could ever carry them back. By laying it down have I given up hope or surrendered for His will? Israel explains it is the latter while I fear it is the former which is why I am crying...