Almost there. This is the year.I can vividly remember August 10th 2003. It was a Sunday. I was upset over turning 30. I thought it was an ugly number to begin with. Feared my life of fun was over. From then on, I had reasoned, I would only become ugly, unlikable and life would soon be over... It was suffocating. Worst of all my parents forgot to call and wish me!
After Church I called them - crying. Papa said, "We were just talking about you, looking at the clock waiting for you to return from Church so we could call. Happy Birthday Queenie makka*...". When they heard I was upset about the number 30, at first they laughed and then went on to explain what a beautiful number it was and how blessed I was to be turning 30.
Though I wasn't fully convinced I took it on me to be 30, one day at a time. Before long the year was over; I realized it wasn't bad after all. Rest of the years went by without further ado. Fast forward to now, here I am excited to be on the verge of the 30's series, looking forward to my 40's!
A lot has changed in me in the last decade. The child in me gave way to a more beautiful woman. Each day has been a refining process leading to clear thoughts, clearer conscience, increased confidence and more contentment.
I have forgiven people, forgotten their offenses and moved on. This happened almost overnight. Could a simple prayer do all that wonder?! All those arguments going back and forth in my mind about things of past were completely erased. Poof! Vanished!
At first I had tried to fight it back."Bring at once my Book of Records of all wrongs ever committed against Me the Great", ordered part of me. The HUGE cart holding the book was rolled in, the seal was broken, the book was opened. The pages were blank!
"Oh no! this can't be! Don't let go, don't cave in, don't forgive, no not them, not their words; now take a breather, recall everything, every little bits of it, put it back, the records, the proof, proof of when you were right and they were wrong, proof of when you were right no matter what, everything, build your case bit by bit, nice and strong; easy, now seal it up, roll it safe!" the rest of me demanded.
But it was over. Done. Dealt with. Forgiven, myself including. The book had shrunk, disappeared, gone, out of sight, never to be seen or heard of again since then. It is no more. It hurts no more. Surprising but true; my heart has healed!
I believe 40's will be more refining, making me, molding me, breaking me, fixing me, searching me, trying me, tuning me and turning out more rewarding.
I could spend it all up in one sitting; instead I have decided to take it slow - one day at a time.
So, here we go 2013! Bring it on!
* makka means child in colloquial Tamil
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19 comments:
Though not the birth day, my congratulations in advance. Just not for the fortieth bash, but for erasing the toxins of the past.
The wonderful thing about Christian philosophy is what you now spelt out. It takes not an ordinary mortal to do that. And you did.
Why are you hastening to advance to 40 when it is still seven months away?
Your slate is clean up to 30th birthday having forgiven/forgotten the slights and you had refined and transformed into your wonderful thirties with no
baggage to forgive and forget.
Will wish you in due time for birthday.
Here is wishing you all joy and cheer.
Dil Hona Chahida JAwaan
Umaraan which ki Rakhiya :)
Long time to go there stillll ... :)
Bikram's
I can relate to your experience of forgiving and forgetting the wrong doing/ saying and only loving.
Wow, I wish I could be like you. I am still bitter about many things. But I find that the only way to find peace is to count my blessings and be grateful.
40 sounds like a landmark year, just like 30 did! But finally it is all in the head. But congratulations are still far off :).
I am sure you will be a much better version of yourself at that age. I think every one gets better with time. :)
Age is just a number these days. I will wait till August for Birthday Greetings :))
Advanced wishes...Age mellows our thoughts and emotions...
They say that wisdom comes with age and though 30 (and indeed 40) are no great age it was obviously that no longer being in your twenties was a turning point for you.
Inspiring, to hear Forgiveness in action.
Best wishes
Since my Birthday is in December, I was 39 for barely a month. I already feel forty. I hope I accomplish at least in my forties, what you have accomplished in the 30's. It is not an easy task to forget, forgive and love. Especially when life brings you back to square one each time.
Will wish you only on your birthday. :) My mom's DOB is the same as yours. :)
Many thanks for stopping by Pen and Paper, to reply to your comment about lard.
A fine, white pork fat that has been rendered and clarified for use in cooking. It is less widely used than it used to be because of its high animal-fat content....
Thank you all for stopping by and sharing your best wishes and encouragements. Appreciate it much.
Have a great year ahead! Your positive attitude is inspiring for sure!
I wish all could do that.... make the book shrink and disappear.
The world would be a better place to live.
naughty at 40...age is just a number..u ask any oldie like me and v will repeat this line hehe how r u doing my friend? proud of our friendship..best wishes to u n fmly
Dropping by to say hello.
Bikram, you were 44 years old at time you wrote this blog yaar.
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